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As Christmas season came to a close,
the sinking feeling that something important was forgotten slowly set in.
No it wasn't that we neglected to send out Christmas cards
(although if you didn't get one, better luck next year).
It was that the year-end letter, which declares 2006 as a banner year
in the Rau house and portrays my family as better than yours,
wasn't included with your card.
Well don't worry, here it is, our annual tribute to ourselves written in the 3rd person: |
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Dear Friends, 2006 was a banner year. Living in the suburbs continued to kick ass (just as it does every year). When hanging out at the dry cleaners or Home Depot proved to be too much fun, the Rau's enjoyed some much needed vacation time in the Catskills and China. Okay, China is a total lie, but the Rau's will start digging a hole in 07 (permits pending). Now onto the real reason for this letter... to brag about the first-born Rau child. Let's just concede right now that our 1 year-old, Zoe, is superior in all aspects of development. Sure your kids might be cute and cuddly, but get real. Just yesterday Zoe translated this very letter into French, German and Elmo. You might be wondering, "What kind of jerk writes like this, let alone thinks like this?" The kind of jerk who sends out a form letter as a holiday greeting that's who. Here's a graph to illustrate the point: 
By the time you get done figuring out which axis is y and which axis is x, Zoe will have already folded her laundry, recited Goodnight Moon from memory and put herself to bed. What's that you say? You don't care for form letters (especially this one) and the obnoxious statements contained within them. Well, The Rau's say this is just some healthy bragging between friends. FYI McFly... it will never stop. To update friends on how much better one set of children are doing compared to another is the American Way. This annual letter simply embraces our existence as competitive beings and transcends a fundamental basis from which our capitalistic society depends. If you don't like it you are a Commie bastard. A Commie bastard who probably rooted for the Soviets in Red Dawn. You should be evicted from your home (via eminent domain) and expelled to Canada with the rest of the hippie bastards. Now where were we? Zoe is very much looking forward to meeting her new baby sister in 2007. That will be 2 kids in less than 2 years, yep Britney Spears style. And no you perv, Christine does not subscribe to "going commando" with her dress code. She is the best mother on earth and will ultimately prove it by ripping apart whatever established pecking order exists at the kids' future schools. As for 2006, Christine made her debut on the Ellen DeGeneres show and hopes to land something with Oprah in 2007 on the bad 'high' school hair circuit. Stay tuned.... As for John, he launched this website after receiving an email from God telling him to do so. God thinks John's cartoons are really funny and wanted a place where they would be hosted. John promises that once the 'Comments' section is operable, the master plan for global domination can commence. The New World Order and evolution of the website will then include the sale of unoriginal, 'retro' T-shirts like:
While getting giddy at the prospect of a T-shirt business that will generate a supplemental income of a whopping $5 a month, John rekindled his affection for yummy, cheap Ramen noodles. Mmmmmm nothing says nutrition like a brick of salted fat. When the family is all together most moments are spent playing with the thermostat and singing parodies of some classic acts like:
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, John, Christine and Zoe |